When we come to this planet, we are a clean slate. Memories of past lives, past mistakes, and every bit of knowledge we've acquired through our many previous experiences has been erased. Our task is to re-learn who we are through a series of events and relationships. We are given the task to somehow return to our Divine Source; to rediscover our own inherent Divinity. We come from a place of spiritual unity and peaceful understanding to a this place of amnestic disconnectedness. After we have been through many trials and have learned valuable life experiences, we are better given many opportunities to be able to understand our connection, seek to strengthen it, or inversely, reject it altogether.
I have found connection with the Divine and have experienced many moments of Spiritual Ecstasy. There are times when I can feel grounded and connected and surrounded by Love when I am alone in meditation, listening to music with candles and incense surrounding me. There are other times when just being in the midst of nature is enough to renew my connection and inspire me. But, the most profound spiritual connections I have found are in those moments when I can most connect to others. There is a powerful bond when one is able to join together in union with another soul. Spiritual awareness becomes somehow amplified, like two conjoined flames, each with its own source but producing a single bright light whose separateness becomes indiscernible.
I find it a struggle to find and maintain those intimate relationships in my life. I am horrendously uncomfortable in social situations and avoid them whenever possible. Being an extreme introvert, it is nearly impossible to experience the amount of spiritually connected relationships that my heart desires. I married a man who has basic fundamental views on spirituality and does not share the passion I have for spiritual connectedness and intimacy. He views religion as a realm of right or wrong; black or white; no in between and sticks with the basic tenets taught him by his fundamental upbringing and currently has no desire to expand the realm of his spiritual consciousness. I love him and am committed to our relationship, yet feel very disconnected because of my intense desire for spiritual nourishment and companionship. The one relationship in my life that should be the source of my greatest connection with the Divine, providing me with sanctuary, trust, and nurturing hope, is instead one where I must practice restraint and accept the fact that I must find an alternate source of nourishment whilst remaining true to my marriage vows.
Currently, I am in a state of disconnection. I struggle daily to find spiritual fulfillment in my life. I speak to God in prayer throughout the day and night and have yet to find the answer for which I seek. Living as a single mother to 3 children with another due to be born in about 2 months time while my spouse works and lives away from home 90% of the time has been a struggle. The precious and few moments we do share, which should be times of cherished pleasure, instead turn out to cause me intense internal turmoil and frustration as he seems to have lived apart for so long that he has forgotten how to love. I am starved for spiritual fulfillment and feeling a desperate hunger for love. I reside in a dark and hopeless state of depression. I know in my head that God is with me and happiness comes from within, but my heart mourns in quiet despair. I wait for God's healing touch, for the source of Love to reach out and hold me, cradle me and comfort me, but it never happens and I wait here alone and empty.
I have always believed that the love we express never goes unreturned. I have loved deeply and given much of myself over the years. I have reached out as much as I possibly could and offered as much of myself as I could afford. I find now that I have little left to give, feeling empty and weak. I long for a loving touch or an uplifting word. I thirst for spiritual intimacy and companionship and hunger for loving attention. I have made my wishes and needs known to the universe and now, as patiently as I can, I wait for my prayers to be answered and for the energy I have expended to be returned to me in my hour of need. In the meantime, I must continue to be mother and wife and homemaker, using every ounce of strength I can muster just to make it through each day.
The only solace for me right now is to know that for each dark night of the soul, there will eventually come a new day, a bright morning sun, a reason to live and hope again.
©2006 Jennifer Ayers. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this article may be duplicated without prior written consent.
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