May/June 2002

The Girl Who Knew Too Much

I wonder how many other people out there can relate to this spiritual conundrum that I have been presented with.  Nearly every day, I struggle to resolve these issues that wreak havoc in my mind.  Over the years, I have grown and matured in my faith.  I have opened my eyes and my mind to the limitlessness of God.  I have expanded my view of divinity beyond the compartmentalized view which infers that God begins at Genesis and ends with Revelations. 

Being a firm believer in the ministry of Jesus Christ and considering myself a Christian, it is difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile my beliefs in reincarnation, chakras, tantric practices, astral projection, spirit guides, psychic abilities, divination, and the validation of other non-Christian world religions.  I built the foundation of my faith as I grew up in the Catholic Church, a belief-system which I have found that other Christian faiths deem as more of a cult than a fellow member of the Christian faith community.  Despite the recent and ongoing struggles within the Church, I have found solace and meaning in the Body of Christ that I have been a part of.  I have found great joy in the music ministry and immense power in the rituals and sacred mysteries presented therein.  It has been an honor to be a part of a large and ancient tradition whose roots are planted in the first Christian church as recorded in the book of Acts; a church whose first leader was he, himself, designated by Christ as the "rock" on which the church would be built.  Of course, there are many doctrinal statements which are founded more on human bureaucracy than gospel.  I don't hold firm to every declaration made by the Vatican Council.  Nonetheless, I have been blessed with my involvement in the Church.

I have also found great power and inspiration in other Christian churches and found pleasure in worshipping with other believers.  Wherever the Holy Spirit is truly present, I have felt an anointing.  I hardly restrict the work of the Spirit to Catholic churches.  Nor do I limit its presence to Christian churches alone.  However, as a member of a family whose faith tradition is strictly "Christian" I find it necessary to attend a church where Christian precepts rule.  I hear messages and attest to the lives of fundamentalist believers who see the world in black and white, who subscribe only to truths which are printed in black and white.  Their lives are straight-forward and simple.  I see how God blesses them and have been witness to the power of the Spirit in their lives.  I personally take issue with many of the beliefs, such as unless a person is "saved," i.e., has accepted Jesus Christ as their "Personal Savior" and repented of their sin, he/she will not enter the kingdom of heaven, but instead will suffer eternal misery in a burning pit of hellfire.  Where in the Bible is "Personal Savior" mentioned?  Did I miss that passage?  Or do I have the wrong version?  Don't get me wrong.  I do believe that Jesus was the Messiah, ordained and sent by God to show us how to be like God by giving us the greatest sacrifice, his life.  But, I do not believe, as I have stated in previous articles, that our loving God is going to condemn people to endless suffering if they have never heard of Jesus and/or do not claim Him as their Lord. 

To fellowship with people who proclaim this as their truth and live this message with their lives is distressing for me.  I so badly would like to believe that life were this clear and limited, only because of the simplicity it implies; because I could back up all my beliefs based on a book of absolute truths.  Life would be so much easier if I were stuck inside that box.  Yet, the truths of which I have become aware of make so much more sense and show God in such a brighter, clearer, bigger light.  Knowing what I know now, I could never go back to putting God in the confines of Christianity again, unless I could invoke conscious amnesia.  Is that possible?

So, in the meantime, I continue to fellowship with followers of Christ, who live in purity, faith, and Spirit, but without the full knowledge of the "rest of the Truth."  I can't share what I know, because it's not in "the Book."  But, I will quietly hold on to what I know deep inside my heart and soul, and when this life is over and we fellowship together in the next, I will be able to say, "I knew this was how it was, but I couldn't tell you because you would have never believed me."

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